My love my life always forever

I sit with my face tilted up toward the sun, and it's bathed in God's warm, powerful sunbeams. In precious moments when I'm truly still and focused on Him, I sense the beams are like His presence. I'm in beautiful Colorado Springs, enjoying some much needed time with the Lord. All of a sudden I realize how much I need Him. He is the love I need; He is the air I breathe. He is my love, my life, always forever. It strikes me that I will continue to repeat and proclaim I need Him. It will never get old, and the days when I think it does, those are the hardest. Thank you, Lord, for eternally pursuing me amd gently reminding me I not only need your love but have your love.

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For Matthew

The time creeps by
In the midnight hours of day
To one it is the morning
To another it is still the night
Here in this place thoughts clash with the lights and sounds of false escape
My heart beats fast
My mind races
Thinking about all that has happened
I hit pause
Up goes my concentration
Emotions run rampant
Sadness fills my heart
At a loss for words
My fingers stop typing
My heart breaks for one and then the other
One is still here while the other has been taken
Joy and sorrow
Relief and pain
I thank the Lord my brother lives another day
His dear friend is gone and that will never change
I am so sorry baby brother
For your heart must bear the pain
A wound that will not soon go away
There in your heart it will stay
Until the day you seek His face
For that moment I hope and pray

learning to walk in freedom

freedom is no small thing

it is the very thing that Jesus Christ, my savior, died for

it stares me in the face, yet, for so long i have looked the other way

i have been a prisoner willing and unbeknownst to me

the fullness of the joy of the freedom God has lavished upon me is without measure, without restraint

it crashes over me like the peak of the highest wave the ocean has ever seen

what does this joy look like

i know it is there but

is it a smile

is it encapsulated in tears

is it a warming sensation of the heart

maybe it is one of these things, all of these things or none of these things

perhaps it is basking in the truth of who God tells me i am and how He feels about me

how he designed a purpose and plan for my life, long before creation even existed

i praise God for my freedom

i thank God that my false truth is in direct opposition with reality

i am not unloved but loved

i am not unnoticed but cherished

i am not unforgiven but forgiven

i am not imperfect but continuously being perfected

and i am his daughter in whom He is well pleased. 

i choose to walk in the freedom of who God says i am 

and no longer walk the meandering, destructive path of woundedness

i say yes, Jesus, heal me

satan your power has no hold here anymore

freedom is no small thing 

but through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, it overfills my cup  

it is mine and i am His

So today I felt like God gave me a slap on the wrist and rightly so

So, I'm sitting with my friend Hannah at the MU. She's tapping away on her Mac right beside me as I type away on mine.

We had finished catching up on what happened or did not happen over break. We were working on creating her blog when all of a sudden this guy and girl sat down at the booth behind us. Pretty normal, right? Nothing you would normally even give a second thought, but then the girl started speaking. Hannah and I immediately froze and shared a look that screamed "are you serious?!" She had the most high-pitched, nasally, child-like voice I think I've ever heard. I couldn't help but laugh through the pain. It sounded like nails on a chalkboard. I was thinking, "This poor guy!" A thousand other thoughts raced through my mind.... Were they on a date? If so, it would probably be the last. She talked about some random things like Eistein's coffee and how she liked all the flavors. I mean I knew what I was thinking was horribly cruel and ungodly, but it was my initial reaction I'm ashamed to admit. Hannah struggled right beside me.

So, why am I telling you this? Well, God was quick to respond to my ugliness. The guy and girl pulled out their Bibles and started reading. Whoosh. It felt like a slap on the wrist. Not a good feeling. Here I am mocking her, pitying him and being a horrible example to my friend, and they end up reading scripture! Definitely felt small after that. Total conviction. So to the young lady at the booth behind me, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I was judgmental, rude and most of all unloving. Good thing the Lord won't hold it against me but use it to grow me. :)

From the Inside Out

So in about one hour I will be on my way to my very first staff meeting of the year! Super nervous and excited.

I'm excited because this is what I've been working toward all summer with fundraising: being on campus with students. Granted it's only our initial staff meetings but this really gets the ball rolling. Can't wait to see where the Lord leads ASU this semester! 

A good portion of my nervousness, however, is stemming from fear; fear that I will fail the Lord, fail my co-workers; fail students; fail my family; fail myself. I'm afraid I'm disgustingly inadequate.

Earlier my roommate cheered me up and encouraged me by singing to me. She sang several songs including From the Inside Out, one of my absolute favs. When we were worshipping to this song the Lord reminded me that I will fail but that I can't operate out of fear but out of confidence and trust in Jesus! It's not about me. Lord, John 3:30!

These are some things that I'd rather not share but I wanted this blog to be a true reflection of my life. I'm so thankful the Lord is who He is and that I can have confidence, boldness and courage because He is who He says He is and I am who He says I am: beloved, His child, justified, redeemed, chosen, righteous... and so much more. 

Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming....

11 days until I'm officially on campus! Staff meetings start Saturday! Eeeekkk!!! :D 

So I just finished up with a funding appointment and I was asked this question: What will you do if you don't end up fully funded?

A good question. A logical question. I searched for an answer for about 10 seconds and then I realized that I didn't believe I wasn't going to be fully funded. I wholeheartedly believe that God has called me to be on campus and that He, and only He, will bring in every dollar, every cent, that I need to be on campus. 

I spoke these thoughts out loud to the couple I met with. I told them I know this is where God has called me to be. I know because of His word that I will be fully funded. The question is a matter of when.  

Maybe God will do it by Aug. 7 (this upcoming Saturday- eek!) which is when our staff meetings kick off. Maybe it will be Aug. 15 which is my official deadline to be at least 75% funded. Maybe God won't fully fund me until October. Who knows. 

All I can do is continue to meet with people and ask, which seems to get progressively harder by the way; and trustingly, patiently wait. I keep thinking of Exodus 12:35 when God told Moses to tell the sons of Israel to ask the Egyptians for what they needed and the Egyptians gave! It's important to know the Egyptians hated the sons of Israel; they held them captive- in bondage. The Egyptians were the very reason the Israelites were fleeing Egypt! Now, I hope people don't hate me and only give because the Lord has put it upon their hearts, lol, but the point is they (the Israelites) were obedient and asked.  That's what I have to do: ASK. I also know it's not my battle because  it says as much  in 2 Chronicles 20; I just have to show up! 

I praise God for what He has done, what He is doing and what He will do. :)

As of today I'm 64% funded!!!! I'm getting closer. In the past two days it has gone up 2%. I'll get there when God wants me to be there, how He wants me to get there and with who! 

To my fellow Edgemates I know God has the same goodness, faithfulness and lovingkindness for you! Keep persevering; keep trusting; keep asking! 

"So then brethren, stand firm and hold to the traditions which you were taught, whether by word of mouth or by letter from us. Now may our Lord Jesus Christ Himself and God our Father, who has loved us and given us eternal comfort and good hope by grace, comfort and strengthen your hearts in every good work and word." - 2 Thessalonians 2:15-17 

I also couldn't get this song from Nemo out of my head: